Threenager

See what I did there? It's like she's 3, but somehow she possesses the demonic qualities of a teenager. I'm not ready for this. I thought I still had about 10 years. I think people talk about Terrible Twos just because of the alliteration, but in reality Two is not bad. Two is just a tiny human learning how to communicate and showing frustration when they can't do so adequately. Three is a culmination of all their communication skills effectively used against you. Middle-aged men always tell me they feel sorry for me when she becomes a teenager (some kind of weird phenomena in itself). They should feel sorry for me now.

Her favorite outfit

Balance beaming on her own these days

You know you have a Threenager when:

• She has a very strong opinion on her outfits, and her choice is usually something you disagree with.
• She cannot go anywhere without her lip gloss, or her stuffed lamb
• She refuses to go to bed until the wee hours of the morning, and then sleeps until late afternoon
• She has to learn the hard way. For everything.
• She runs hot and cold. Either she just wants you to hold her, or "stop messing with me!"
• She must do everything herself. This usually results in something spilled or bruised
• She listens zero percent of the time to anything you say.
• She wants the pink shoes, the pink ones, PINK, PINK SHOES! Once the shoes are on, she bursts into tears and declares she wanted the purple ones.
• The TV apparently belongs to her
• She talks back with attitude, defiance and conviction. 

That little sassy onion spouts back like it's nothing!

• Me: Trinity, did you hear what I said?? I said NO!
• Trinity: Did you hear what I said?! I said YESSS!

Straight-faced, unafraid. I know what you are saying, "Aw Hellll NAW!" Because that's what I said. And Because we all get ghetto when we talk about the way our children may or may not act in the future. But they do. They will. Maybe they'll get slapped for it, or put in timeout, or sent to their room. But they will still do it. 

Yes I know I should not be playing with the Windex, but I'm really sad you caught me doing it

I should mention that she's not yet three. Her birthday is next month. And don't ask me about party planning, because there is nothing worse than toddler parties. Let's wait til she has a social group, perhaps, and not torture the poor adults who love her with Minnie Mouse party hats. I feel like last year's Disneyland trip should somehow carry over to this year. One way or the other, she'll be loved and spoiled and she'll feel special on her day.

Something else that makes her a threenager: Preschool visits. I liken this to my college visits, except college tuition didn't cost as much. I swear. Oh, and $25 extra per month for an organic snack? WTF!? You cannot come up with snack money from the Lexus payment you'll get from me on a monthly basis? Sweet lord! If she is not fluent in French and cannot do the quadratic equation by the time she hits Kindergarten, I will be pissed! Oh wait, I can't send her anything with peanuts in it? There goes my daily PB&J plan. A parent can't even pack a lazy lunch anymore. What is this world coming to? AND you want a little kickback for school supplies?! How about she brings her own? I guarantee I will spend less than what you are asking. It's like this everywhere. Or, I guess everywhere that's considered a reputable preschool. Also, you need to enroll by February to get a spot for the FALL semester! I'm blown away. Absolutely flabbergasted.

This is how petticoats were created. A toddler with a tutu saying, "it makes my dress twirlier!"

She enjoys selfies

I can't wait to see what else Three will bring. I can only anticipate being told she hates me, angry door slamming, and an ever-expanding wardrobe. As long as there are no boys involved, bring it on!

I will leave you with this Trinity-ism:
Her: I have the tootins!
Me: Oh no! What did you eat?
Her: *Thinking* ...It smells like I ate poop!