Along Came a Baby Girl: I am a loser

In the most literal sense of the word. I lose everything. Every day, I swear it's something new. A lot of things are never found. It's like there's some portal in my house that transports objects to another space and time. I'm not sure when this began, though I'm narrowing it down to about 15 months ago. It's still in full swing. I've never made a list of all the things I've lost, mostly because my memory is one of them and I know I could never remember everything, but here's a snippet:

My beloved Bluetooth - I remember the last day I used it. April 20th. We left for the coast and I was sad that I forgot to bring it. Then I got home and it was gone. I assumed I would just find it cleaning up one day, but never again has it been seen. I finally bought a replacement. Watch, I'll find it tomorrow.
My work badge - Actually, this is not my fault. Trinity loves to dig in my purse and especially loves my work badge. The first day of its absence, I turned my purse upside down at the entrance of the office digging for it like a fool. I'm sure the front desk security people think I'm totally nuts. I finally gave up and got a temporary badge for the day. That night, I tossed the house and found nothing. The next day, I admitted that my toddler hid it somewhere very special. The third day, I declared defeat. I assumed it had been thrown in the garbage or flushed down the toilet and it was gone forever. They told me I had 10 days before my old badge would be deactivated and then they would make me a new one. So for 10 days I had to endure the humiliation of going to the front desk and being like, yep, still lost. Well, on the 10th day I found it in the spare room underneath the futon. Security was not as excited about my find, since they had deactivated my badge and created me a new one. I think I'm now on some type of watch list.
My favorite headband of Trinity's - That damn sunflower headband went with everything! Gone! In realizing that one was missing, I also remembered another favorite that no longer exists. Her hair is still in that awkward stage where it's kind of patchy and uneven. She's developing a thick skunk stripe on top, and the bottom is growing long, but there's nothing on the sides. She's totally rocking a baby mullet. Here we have the last time this headband was worn, and a good illustration of the baby mullet in training.

Trinity's socks - I swear I buy a new package every month. They dwindle away at alarming speed until soon, there's nothing left.
My boobs - I never really had much to begin with, but now, after the abuse they took from growing and feeding a live, tiny human, they ran for the hills. I thought about buying some, but my fear of doctors and commitment has made me hesitant. They would probably not meet my expectations, and then I would spend the rest of my life wanting something different. I can do that now for free. I also want people to continue looking at my face when they talk to me.
My cat - MY CAT!!! Where the hell did Jinx go? I've ran through every scenario a million times and not one of them makes any sense.
My pride - I changed a diaper on my lap at the rodeo on the 4th of July. It should be a crime for bathrooms to not have changing stations. I also found out I'm not as mortified as you think I would/should be when my kid publicly opens up the top of my shirt, looks down, and proudly declares "boobies!" It's almost flattering (see #5). Last time we were at the pediatrician's, we had to wait forever for the Dr. to come in. During the time, the baby has to hang out wearing nothing but a diaper, so the room is kept hot as hell. Well, my luck, she takes this time to fill up her diaper nice and juicy for me. It's the worst, smelliest poop ever. Of course I change it, but there's nowhere to put the dirty diaper except for the trash in that tiny, hot room. When the Dr. finally joins us, the room is filled with the stench of hot, sick, ass. I didn't want her to think it was me, but I also didn't want to just randomly announce, "she pooped!" So it was just awkward. I could literally go on forever, but moral of the story is pride = lost.
My keys - They are in a permanent state of lost. A manhunt is required every time I need to go somewhere.
My expectations - If you just don't have any, you can only be pleasantly surprised. This is the key to a successful marriage.
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most. My brain is in disarray. I'm in full ADD mode.There's so much going on personally and professionally that it's hard to keep everything in order. And now that Trinity is about nine months away from turning two, people are asking when another one will be on the way. As if I'm supposed to crank one out every two years. I'm not a factory, and kids are not potato chips! It is possible to have just one. Plus I think the one I do have might be evil. Judge for yourself.