Catching up

Six Months!!! Holy Crap!!! It's a very bittersweet feeling. I love that she's more like a real human now. She's on a nice schedule, she sleeps through the night, I understand her and can easily figure out what she needs. She laughs, she rolls, she sits for a limited time, she babbles up a storm. But I miss my tiny, new baby! She's growing out of all her clothes! And boy does she have a lot of clothes! I have filled up four huge Costco-size diaper boxes with the cutest newborn to 3-6 month clothes you'll ever see. I don't know what to do with them. I don't plan on having any more children, but what if I change my mind? I guess we are saving them for a good friend who we assume will someday have a baby. I want to make sure I give them away to a baby who I will often see, so I can see her clothes again and relive the days when my baby was that small. Is that weird? Maybe I shouldn't admit that.

This is what she looked like 1 day old.

It's funny that we thought she was sooo cute as a newborn, but now that she's older and we look back at her pictures, I realize that I gave birth to a smooshy little wrinkly alien baby, just like everyone else. So for everyone on Facebook who commented on how beautiful she was: Thank you for lying. I really appreciate it, and I will return the favor. (Of course, in my eyes, she's still the prettiest wrinkly alien baby I've ever seen).

One thing we've learned about her thus far: She's lazy. Or just really smart. Either way she's on track to marry rich. You go girl! Yes, she would like to chew on that teether, but only if you want to hold it in her mouth, because her hands have better things to do. She'd really like to grab that toy just beyond her reach, but crawling to it seems like a lot of work, so she's just going to fake reach and sort of whine until you plop it down in front of her. She loves to eat! But picking up the food or the spoon and bringing it to her mouth is ridiculous! Feed me Seymour! Tummy time? Out of the question. That would require effort. Ok, so maybe we don't have a budding athlete on our hands. 

This is Trinity at 6 months and 1 day

 Trav keeps reminding me that she was born four weeks early, so I need to give her time to catch up. How long can we use the "she was born early" excuse? At some point that has to become meaningless. It's not like she's really missing expected milestones, she just seems to be on the late end of them. It bothers me that other babies her age do more things. Like crawl, or at least rock back and forth. And sit up unassisted. She will sit for a very short period of time, but only if I balance her just right to begin with.

I want to put her in baby boot camp. DROP DOWN ON ALL FOURS MAGGOT!! Get those froggy legs underneath you!! Left, left, left right left! It's time to lose those Michelins!! CRAWL!!

It's not like I think I'll have a 5-year-old who can't sit or crawl, I just want her to do it NOW! I'd also like her to recite the ABCs and say Mama. Or at least moo when she sees a cow. I'm starting to realize that being my daughter is going to be exhausting. I'm sure being my husband isn't any easier. My expectations for the people I love are unrealistically high. Maybe we both have some work to do.

Baby Girl:
If you ever read this, please know that I love you more than anything and I think you are perfect just the way you are.

Love,
Mama (Come on, just say it! Mama!)

Walkers

What's the deal with baby walkers? We got a handout from our pediatrician's office telling us not to use a walker because they are dangerous. It went on to say that stores do not sell them anymore because they are such a hazard, and that if we got a hand-me-down one, we should immediately dispose of it. One, that's not true. We were gifted a walker at the baby shower. Brand new. From a store. And two, you're gonna have to give me more reasons than "it's dangerous" to make me leave it, forlorn and rejected, in the box out in the garage. After speculating with Travis about all the ways a walker might be dangerous, we came up with:

1. She could ram into a tall bookcase and stuff could fall on her. (We don't have a tall bookcase)
2. Maybe the walker could spontaneously collapse and crush her legs. (It can't)
3. If the door is open she could make a run for it, and somehow make it out in the middle of the street. (That is beyond far-fetched)

So, off to Google I went! What I found concerned and confused me. On basically every health and pediatric website, there are unanimous reasons why walkers should never be used in households. Here they are:

Children in baby walkers can:

1. Roll down the stairs.
2. Get burned. (Presumably by pulling on a tablecloth where hot coffee or tea is sitting near the edge, or by pulling pans off the stove.)
3. Drown. (In a pool or bathtub)
4. Be poisoned. (By putting objects in their mouth that they can now reach)

WHAT?!?! These are seriously the reasons why my pediatrician is telling me not to use a walker?? To that I have to say:

1. Who puts a child that can move, in a walker or otherwise, at the top of a flight of ungated stairs, or near it? It's not the walker's fault that the kid rolls down the stairs.
2. Who uses tablecloths? AND... who uses tablecloths that hang so low that a kid in a walker can reach? Do they realize that a walker does not make your baby 4-feet tall? Babies are the same height in a walker as they are standing up without one. That makes them not nearly tall enough to grab a pan off the stove.
3. Drown? In a bathtub? In order for this to happen, the baby would have to charge the bathtub at such a speed that when she hits the side, she ejects out of the walker seat and into a bathtub randomly filled with water. I almost want to try it. I understand the danger if you have an in-ground pool. But if you leave your mobile child unattended in a place where they can walk, crawl or roll into a pool, you are a moron.
4. I guess that means I will need to store my arsenic elsewhere. That's too bad, the coffee table has been the perfect place!

What I'm trying to say is that none of these unfortunate happenings can specfically be blamed on the walker. They can all just as easily happen when a child is walking or crawling by him/herself and the parent happens to not be paying attention. Don't make the walker the scapegoat for negligence. Most of the websites suggested other activities that render children immobile, like a playpen or a highchair. You know what else would work? If we cut their legs off! Then parents would never have to actually watch their kids!

Don't get me wrong, I am not in love with the walker. I know it won't make her walk sooner. But it does afford her some independence and a different vantage point other than my ugly shirt, the ceiling, or the floor. If an accident happens while she is in it (knock on wood), I will claim full responsibility, because I am her parent and it is my job to make sure her environment is safe. I refuse to handicap her in the process.

What I Didn't Expect

I do a lot of research. It's one of the few valuable skills I learned from journalism school. I can Google like no other. When I found out I was pregnant I read everything available on the subject. I was both fascinated and horrified at the things I learned (ohmygod wtf is a mucous plug?!?!) No one tells you about stuff like that. Probably because people who have kids want other people to have kids, so they remain silent about some of the trauma you go through. All my life I've been absolutely terrified of giving birth. And doctors. I can't stand doctors. So I found a midwife and I read up on every birthing technique available, and then of course we signed up for birth classes.

There's so many different classes out there it's ridiculous. You have your normal Lamaze hehehoohoo panting class, then there's the Bradley Method, which seemed cool until I learned it involved your husband whispering sweet nothings into your ear. Ew. Please do not breathe on me while I'm in labor, or any other time really. Then I found hypnobirthing, which sounds totally bizarre, but actually made the most sense. It's all about fear. Fear creates tension, and a baby barrelling through tense muscles creates pain. Lots of pain. So, if you let go of the fear and relax, it won't hurt. As bad. Basically, you have to learn to embrace the pain; make it your bitch and feel empowered. Good thing I read the book because my water broke the day before our class. Didn't see that one coming.

In labor. Waiting for the magic to happen.

This wouldn't have been so bad but the birth center birth I had been planning for almost 9 months was snatched away from me when I was diagnosed with cholestasis the week prior. Cliff's notes version: I itched like a strung out crackhead with scabies, and it was creating a potentially dangerous environment for the baby. The midwife dropped me like I was hot. It all happened so fast. My case was transferred to an obstetrician at the hospital. I met her once for 5 minutes. She introduced herself by sticking her whole hand and I'm pretty sure part of her arm in a place where no one's arm should ever be. Then she told me she would have to check her schedule so she could induce me when it was convenient for her. Oh F to the no. And F you lady. I never saw her again. When I went to the hospital after my water broke and found out a male doctor was on call that night, I pleaded with the staff to call my midwife and let her deliver. I know he's probably seen hundreds of vaginas, but he hadn't seen mine and I was determined to keep it that way. After reviewing my case and understanding my plight, they arranged for the midwife to come to the hospital and watch a baby come out of me. (That's really all they do). None of this went how I expected it to go.

Nothing can ever prepare you for giving birth, but I guess it basically went according to plan. The baby came out. But she didn't cry. I had expected her to come out screaming. I pulled her out Kourtney Kardashian style and she just laid on me and chilled for a while. I asked why she wasn't crying and the midwife explained that while she remains attached to the cord she doesn't need to breathe because she's still getting all the good stuff from me. I read about this but I had always expected her to cry as soon she entered the world. I guess I also expected the cord to be cut right away, but they waited like five minutes, maybe more.

I had devoted so much time and energy into ensuring her safe arrival that I didn't really know what to expect once she was here. Every day since then has been a new adventure. Here are some things I've found surprising, either because no one told me about it, or they did and I didn't listen.

I didn't expect....

1. To have a baby payment. Of course I knew it would cost something, but holy crap! We were planning on paying for a birth at the birth center. One in the hospital was about 5x more expensive. Her birth is worth more than both of our cars combined. I wonder if they'll repossess her if I stop paying? Maybe that's what happened to the lady who tried to sell her baby at Taco Bell. They were about to foreclose so she opted for a short sale.

2. To pee my pants. After giving birth, your bladder stops giving you the warning that you should soon find a restroom. Instead, you just pee. I peed my pants at Costco. One minute I was standing there looking at hiking backpacks, and the next there was warm liquid running down my leg. There's really nothing you can do about it, except get the hell out of Costco, or wherever you happen to be when you pee your pants. It has slowly gotten better, but I wasn't prepared to publicly piss myself.

3. The guilt. Good lord I feel guilty about EVERYTHING! It started before she was born when my womb became potentially hazardous, then continued when I wasn't able to exclusively breastfeed, then when she started sleeping in her own room, when I went back to work....The list goes on and on. I finally started working 4 days a week instead of 5. I felt like 40 hours a week was way too long to be away from her. There's small daily things like if we're out past her bath time, or if I forget to start the car on a hot day before putting her in. I hope it goes away at some point. This is a lot of work.

4.  My relationship with Baby Daddy to change. We've been Katie and Travis for so long that I just assumed we'd be Katie and Travis plus 1. But instead we're more like Mommy and Daddy. And it's not necessarily a bad thing. It's just different. We took a trip to the coast last weekend, just the two of us. And once I got over the guilt (see #3) it was a lot of fun. It was good to be Katie and Travis again.

Beautiful day at the coast.

5. To become obsessed. I'm a pretty level-headed person. I don't really go bananas about anything. But I am obsessed with my baby. There. I said it. I think about her every single second. I want to make sure that she has everything she could ever want or need. My living room looks like a daycare center. Her closet and dresser are exploding with clothes. I do the stupidest, most embarrassing shit to make her laugh. I need to be stopped.

Just a corner of the living room.

So, skip all the googling, 100-page books and online forums. There's only one thing to expect when becoming a parent. The unexpected.