What I Didn't Expect

I do a lot of research. It's one of the few valuable skills I learned from journalism school. I can Google like no other. When I found out I was pregnant I read everything available on the subject. I was both fascinated and horrified at the things I learned (ohmygod wtf is a mucous plug?!?!) No one tells you about stuff like that. Probably because people who have kids want other people to have kids, so they remain silent about some of the trauma you go through. All my life I've been absolutely terrified of giving birth. And doctors. I can't stand doctors. So I found a midwife and I read up on every birthing technique available, and then of course we signed up for birth classes.

There's so many different classes out there it's ridiculous. You have your normal Lamaze hehehoohoo panting class, then there's the Bradley Method, which seemed cool until I learned it involved your husband whispering sweet nothings into your ear. Ew. Please do not breathe on me while I'm in labor, or any other time really. Then I found hypnobirthing, which sounds totally bizarre, but actually made the most sense. It's all about fear. Fear creates tension, and a baby barrelling through tense muscles creates pain. Lots of pain. So, if you let go of the fear and relax, it won't hurt. As bad. Basically, you have to learn to embrace the pain; make it your bitch and feel empowered. Good thing I read the book because my water broke the day before our class. Didn't see that one coming.

In labor. Waiting for the magic to happen.

This wouldn't have been so bad but the birth center birth I had been planning for almost 9 months was snatched away from me when I was diagnosed with cholestasis the week prior. Cliff's notes version: I itched like a strung out crackhead with scabies, and it was creating a potentially dangerous environment for the baby. The midwife dropped me like I was hot. It all happened so fast. My case was transferred to an obstetrician at the hospital. I met her once for 5 minutes. She introduced herself by sticking her whole hand and I'm pretty sure part of her arm in a place where no one's arm should ever be. Then she told me she would have to check her schedule so she could induce me when it was convenient for her. Oh F to the no. And F you lady. I never saw her again. When I went to the hospital after my water broke and found out a male doctor was on call that night, I pleaded with the staff to call my midwife and let her deliver. I know he's probably seen hundreds of vaginas, but he hadn't seen mine and I was determined to keep it that way. After reviewing my case and understanding my plight, they arranged for the midwife to come to the hospital and watch a baby come out of me. (That's really all they do). None of this went how I expected it to go.

Nothing can ever prepare you for giving birth, but I guess it basically went according to plan. The baby came out. But she didn't cry. I had expected her to come out screaming. I pulled her out Kourtney Kardashian style and she just laid on me and chilled for a while. I asked why she wasn't crying and the midwife explained that while she remains attached to the cord she doesn't need to breathe because she's still getting all the good stuff from me. I read about this but I had always expected her to cry as soon she entered the world. I guess I also expected the cord to be cut right away, but they waited like five minutes, maybe more.

I had devoted so much time and energy into ensuring her safe arrival that I didn't really know what to expect once she was here. Every day since then has been a new adventure. Here are some things I've found surprising, either because no one told me about it, or they did and I didn't listen.

I didn't expect....

1. To have a baby payment. Of course I knew it would cost something, but holy crap! We were planning on paying for a birth at the birth center. One in the hospital was about 5x more expensive. Her birth is worth more than both of our cars combined. I wonder if they'll repossess her if I stop paying? Maybe that's what happened to the lady who tried to sell her baby at Taco Bell. They were about to foreclose so she opted for a short sale.

2. To pee my pants. After giving birth, your bladder stops giving you the warning that you should soon find a restroom. Instead, you just pee. I peed my pants at Costco. One minute I was standing there looking at hiking backpacks, and the next there was warm liquid running down my leg. There's really nothing you can do about it, except get the hell out of Costco, or wherever you happen to be when you pee your pants. It has slowly gotten better, but I wasn't prepared to publicly piss myself.

3. The guilt. Good lord I feel guilty about EVERYTHING! It started before she was born when my womb became potentially hazardous, then continued when I wasn't able to exclusively breastfeed, then when she started sleeping in her own room, when I went back to work....The list goes on and on. I finally started working 4 days a week instead of 5. I felt like 40 hours a week was way too long to be away from her. There's small daily things like if we're out past her bath time, or if I forget to start the car on a hot day before putting her in. I hope it goes away at some point. This is a lot of work.

4.  My relationship with Baby Daddy to change. We've been Katie and Travis for so long that I just assumed we'd be Katie and Travis plus 1. But instead we're more like Mommy and Daddy. And it's not necessarily a bad thing. It's just different. We took a trip to the coast last weekend, just the two of us. And once I got over the guilt (see #3) it was a lot of fun. It was good to be Katie and Travis again.

Beautiful day at the coast.

5. To become obsessed. I'm a pretty level-headed person. I don't really go bananas about anything. But I am obsessed with my baby. There. I said it. I think about her every single second. I want to make sure that she has everything she could ever want or need. My living room looks like a daycare center. Her closet and dresser are exploding with clothes. I do the stupidest, most embarrassing shit to make her laugh. I need to be stopped.

Just a corner of the living room.

So, skip all the googling, 100-page books and online forums. There's only one thing to expect when becoming a parent. The unexpected.